tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post7430257188320111564..comments2023-06-29T06:19:46.900-07:00Comments on Family Ties: Why is honesty in adoption still a controversial subject?Susan P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00349497879874393200noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-84435688428089249662014-11-11T18:06:13.385-08:002014-11-11T18:06:13.385-08:00PART TWO: The father side of my family NEVER new w...PART TWO: The father side of my family NEVER new who i was. The mother side kept it from them. I have met and known my biological mother for over twenty years. Recently i met the rest of her family aunts grandchildren other children cousins etc. I say they were all nice EXCEPT for my real mother. She did a lot of very strange things, like send her husband to pick me up at the airport, o.k, no probs people have to work even at 72. She gave me a nice bedroom/bathroom and told me i could make my own coffee an watch my own tv. She didn't like people in her living room. Ignored that and went upstairs every a.m. for coffee and sat and watched her tv shows with her on her couch. She tried to ditch me when going to her sisters for a massage treatment saying the mall was just around the corner and then she ran into her sisters house. her husband walked the 5 miles home. I ignored that too and went inside with her as her sister had offered to give me a massage too. when her massage was done she went home without me. Her sister and husband took me out for dinner we had a nice visit and then they took me back to "her" house. The lights were all out and the door was locked. it was 9:30 p.m. Fortunately her sister new the code to get in. That is just the tip of the iceberg. Why search for me your whole life only to treat me like that. On top of it she hates who I have become and what religion i chose. Unbelievable. I was willing to overlook everything until I got this bizzare email - I guess she clued in I had figured out who my real father was - her cousin. Unfortunately he is dead. He never new about me - his kids now do. I had known who his parents where but they had 4 boys and i didn't know which one exactly was my father. I figured out his name from a list my aunt gave me of the family. Anyways, my aunt told me she was protecting her sister from emotional pain in not devulging all the information about my fathers family to me and i was not supposed to know until my bio mother died. Secrets hurt. I refuse to be anyone's dirty little secret. I had already had that discussion with her once. This person would never have been the loving nurturing mother i needed. I was a sickly introverted child that required a lot of attention and constant reinforcement that i could make it in life. My bio-mother is a narcissist. THIS IS THE EMAIL SHE SENT ME A WEEK AFTER I GOT HOME:<br />hi, so you are back home, amongst your peers and family, Its always nice to be home I received a refresher on morals A few days ago some valuable comments came to me. I am sharing them . Everynone has a right to privacy. Everyone needs to respect others wishes, No one has to agree with others lifestyles and values, but they meed to respect them. Gossip, is cruel, and judge mental . When our body hurts, medicine can't always fix it, but our attitude and believe can, Medicine is a band aid tommask the pain , Much more, but cant do anymore right now . <br /><br />A Real slap in the face after all the nasty comments she made about family I had grown up with and about my overbearing husband (apparently - her words not mine) and all the other garbage she said which I took as just venting and needing a shoulder to cry on ------- until i got this email. The humour in all her antics has gone out the door for me. I had never been able to feel or call her mother anyways. Another word comes to mind but it is not repeatable. Although i muttered it when I was by myself. I have no problem calling my deceased father dad in conversations with his kids. I know he had issues and he was an alcoholic but I also know he adopted his two wives children from previous relationships. (His first wife died when their child was only 4 months old. - car accident) I have a new and profound respect for my parents who raised me. Not all reunions end up this way I understand that but mine did. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-25331525764994364822014-11-11T18:04:59.182-08:002014-11-11T18:04:59.182-08:00Thanks for your most interesting blog. I was adop...Thanks for your most interesting blog. I was adopted as a six week old baby. My adoptive father new my birth mothers parents - he grew up with them. We were told about adoption at a very young age. My Adoptive mother was a little bit touchy about the issue. She had only one son and when he was 16 realized they wanted more kids and couldn't have any. They adopted me (red hair) 1959 and my younger but redhead again sister - different families. My adopted parents let me in on tidbits through out the years. One tidbit my dad shared with me was that the girls in my real family were very phony and not very nice people. Coming from him this was huge because he NEVER said anything negative ever about anyone. My mother told me one day my biological father had drowned. He left a devastated family behind.<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-41400265991367992882012-09-15T08:58:00.855-07:002012-09-15T08:58:00.855-07:00As for conversant itself, the angry comments and b...As for conversant itself, the angry comments and back and forth between adoptive parents and natural parents that I have just dealt with at FMF was eye-opening. It all started out as a post about the use of the word "parent" as a verb and ended up in war. Not much chance of reconciliation there, but I think the angry and upset APS were...ah, members of a certain religious group that whole-heartedly believes in adoption. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-85899544572984956782012-09-15T08:54:23.371-07:002012-09-15T08:54:23.371-07:00Yo, Susie, you got that right. I think if it were ...Yo, Susie, you got that right. I think if it were handled differently, there would not be so much controversy and animosity between the two sets of parents. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-44958744073969757882012-09-15T08:10:04.147-07:002012-09-15T08:10:04.147-07:00This is all true, but I would just like to point o...This is all true, but I would just like to point out, as an adoptee, that part of the problem is the word "real." No one is unreal, everyone is real. Some adoptive parents are hurt by the use of "real parents" to describe original parents, and when people are hurt, they shut down and don't listen, as Susan found out as a child. We adoptees need both nature and nurture to become who we are. Otherwise I agree with what you are saying. Janine Baer, former editor of Chain of Life newsletterhttp://oskicat.berkeley.edu/record=b20235214~S1noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-90922037111770151242012-09-13T13:04:04.311-07:002012-09-13T13:04:04.311-07:00Well, there's nothing wrong in finding out the...Well, there's nothing wrong in finding out the truth about your personal life, especially in searching for information about your real parents and your birth certificate. It's like you removed a big thorn from your heart once you found out the missing piece of your real identity. I hope other people would understand that finding the real parents doesn't mean you forgot how your adopted ones took care of you.Aiko Dumashttp://www.givingbirthtohope.org/adoptionsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-9683622627457027832012-09-12T14:23:12.069-07:002012-09-12T14:23:12.069-07:00I think honesty in adoption is controversial becau...I think honesty in adoption is controversial because adoption itself is built on lies. <br /><br />Susiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15929169562563801608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-91524558702750731462012-09-11T13:32:59.216-07:002012-09-11T13:32:59.216-07:00Thanks Lori,
I appreciate your comment because tha...Thanks Lori,<br />I appreciate your comment because that's really the only reason I have a blog -- to raise awareness. I know my adoptive mother never meant to hurt me; she just didn't understand all the nuances of adoption. In the days of my relinquishment, no one did. What surprises me is all the ignorance that still exists today.Susan P.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00349497879874393200noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-55737487398710425162012-09-11T12:03:01.154-07:002012-09-11T12:03:01.154-07:00I'm glad there are voices like yours helping p...I'm glad there are voices like yours helping people like me understand the damage those cultural messages can do. It's only through knowledge the we can affect change.Lori Lavender Luzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15394441222262940632noreply@blogger.com