tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post8544626120017244280..comments2023-06-29T06:19:46.900-07:00Comments on Family Ties: Shading the Truth to Ease the Fears of Adoptive ParentsSusan P.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00349497879874393200noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-70810378238185900592012-08-24T06:14:38.770-07:002012-08-24T06:14:38.770-07:00Thanks for your comment, Jennifer. Your story cle...Thanks for your comment, Jennifer. Your story clearly shows the complexities of adoption. And the way it is governed now, it is so vulnerable to corruption. All of us touched by adoption need to be working together for more honesty and transparency in the system, and certainly for the rights of adopted adults to their authentic birth certificates. Good luck on your journey!Susan P.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00349497879874393200noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-68363085751618319002012-08-24T05:36:44.094-07:002012-08-24T05:36:44.094-07:00As an adoptive mother of 2, I can understand the f...As an adoptive mother of 2, I can understand the fear - I certainly felt it when we began to consider our options. Our daughters are adopted from China, (now 7 & 8) so finding birthparents is not an easy undertaking, but there are many families who are now searching, and both the internet and DNA testing have allowed this to happen - and there have been reunions.<br />Because our family is trans-racial, not "telling" was never an option. I did a lot of lifebook work and found more of the reality of where my daughters came from and possible why's that they came into the system - and it's much more complex than the One Child Policy. <br />At some point I realized;<br />My gain was at a huge loss on the part of my children and their birthfamilies<br />I love you so much that I am not afraid to share you<br />I love you so much your sense of loss and incompletness is also my pain.<br />I love you so much that I owe you every effort to try and ease that pain. <br />I realize searching when a child is young has some controversy, but given how fast China is changing waiting until the girls are 18 may mean that any meaningful clues or conections are gone. Despite my oldesr daughters strongly expressed longing to know her birthfamily, when I told her we were hiring a searcher, she went into a funk. I finally got out of her that she was afraid of having to "go back" because she felt she "wasn't really Chinese anymore" and "I don't really know those people and I can't talk to them." I assured her that if we did find her family that she would be able to control how much contact. We did not get any results from that search and further investigation has lead to suspicions that she may have been trafficked for adoption, a whole other can of worms.But we still owe her the effort. There are other avenues to investigate. We shall see.....Jenniferhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17565378786516429270noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-7650700818602226662012-08-15T20:18:40.628-07:002012-08-15T20:18:40.628-07:00I wasn't technically adopted (my family steppe...I wasn't technically adopted (my family stepped in and raised me under guardianship) and I was raised with total knowledge of my bio parents. In fact, my bio mother was a major part of my life growing up even though I did not live with her. That being said, so many people do not hear me when I say that I have two moms and two dads. It's incomprehensible to them! One camp says it's only who bore me. The other camp says it's only who raised me. Why can't it be both? Children have bonds to people other than parents all the time. That doesn't lessen the love they have! Our culture doesn't think that having more than one child lessens the love you have for other children. Samantha Phttp://www.facebook.com/groups/121713731180015/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-54960192568863528232012-08-15T06:54:57.906-07:002012-08-15T06:54:57.906-07:00Great post! So fact based, with no hyperbole or s...Great post! So fact based, with no hyperbole or self-pity. I like that a lot. I think the system, which normalizes closed adoption, is ripe to incite animosity between a-parents and n-parents. The fact that we keep birth parents a secret implies that there is something to fear there. Adoptees pick up on that subtle message. Since we adoptees came from the Other Mother, perhaps we internalize that there is something to fear about ourselves too. This has given me a lot to think about.<br /><br />I never was brave enough to arrange a meeting between my birth mother and my adoptive parents. There was no way I was going to be in the middle of that tension. Meganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01386268512599829234noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-31217322095047580822012-08-15T05:15:58.681-07:002012-08-15T05:15:58.681-07:00Probably what I resent the most about the adoption...Probably what I resent the most about the adoption industry is the way it pits natural families against adoptive families, and even adoptees against other adoptees. During legislative hearings, the opposition always drags out a few adoptees who feel just "fine" and complete without knowing anything about their past. The implication is that those of us who lobby for equal access and equal rights are on the fringe. I always feel a little nauseated by the end of those hearings, where "religious" folks say so many adopting couples now go overseas so they don't have to be bothered with the birth family. They don't even know they are saying something offensive! <br /><br />Thanks for reading and commenting, Myst. Hopefully we'll see some positive changes in our lifetime.Susan P.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00349497879874393200noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-29382971714201356502012-08-15T01:45:39.157-07:002012-08-15T01:45:39.157-07:00This is a fantastic post. I love this: "My p...This is a fantastic post. I love this: "My parents and the practice of adoption are two separate things." <br /><br />So many people assume that trying to fix the wrong in adoption means "against" adoptive parents and the industry pits natural families against adoptive families all the time. In fact whilst they do cater for the adoptive couple's fears, they are also feeding them. For in the adoption professional's act to cater to the adopters and their fears, they confirm those fears are legitimate thus feeding the issue and making the situation worse. Mysthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07425550479815459790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112566410387491537.post-79554519584541610622012-08-14T15:52:50.377-07:002012-08-14T15:52:50.377-07:00Excellent post Susan.Excellent post Susan.I never got to say goodbyehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com