Adoption and Magical Thinking

There is a very interesting discussion going on this week over at the New York Times website Motherlode in response to an article entitled Adoption, Destiny and Magical Thinking.   You can read the article and the subsequent comments here.  The centerpiece of the story is a study showing that many adoptive parents feel that fate, destiny, or the will of God has played a part in bringing their adopted children to them.

The story struck a nerve, as many of the comments show.  As a mature adoptee, I concur with many others in saying that entirely too much magical thinking occurs in the world of adoption.  When cold, real facts about adoption are not confronted, the adopted child is likely to suffer because she learns early  on that she must keep some of her deepest feelings to herself.  If her placement in her adoptive family was "meant to be," then how can she freely express her conflicted feelings or explain the desire she may feel to know and understand her original family?

The comments to the article are powerful, and I'll share some of them here.  An adoptive parent provides this eloquent perspective:

"When our cherished adopted children are young, we can hug them tightly every night and repeat the story of the magical journey that brought us together.  But no matter how much we love them, and no matter how steadfast our belief in our shared destiny remains, we need to prepare for a future in which magical thinking is no match for the reality of an independent child with critical thinking skills.

Adoptive parents are only one third of the adoption triad.  It may be best to consider the perspectives of the other people involved, as fate and destiny are in the eye of the beholder."

I love this writer's statement that "magical thinking is no match for the reality of an independent child with critical thinking skills."  Most adopted children do think about their original families once they are able to comprehend how most babies become a part of the family unit.  And as one adoptee writes, "Even children in very loving adoptive families must confront the fact that their birthmother decided, for whatever reason, to relinquish them, and no amount of "magical thinking" can wish that very real pain away."

Separating a child from her mother often causes intense pain for the relinquishing parent, as many original mothers have come forward to tell us.  And the fact that she has been relinquished often causes pain for the adoptee who allows herself to explore that part of her past.  Naturally, these mothers and surrendered children as adults often feel a need to reconcile their feelings about each other, and they should not be prevented from doing so by archaic state laws that obstruct so many and "protect" a tiny minority.

I cannot tell you how much I resent the law that tells me, as an adult, that I cannot explore my own genealogy.  I know my original mother's identity, and my original father has long been deceased.  The adoption agency knows his name but will not share it with me.  Who in the world is there left to hurt?  As some adoptees who are thwarted in searching for knowledge about their own history say, "I feel as if I were born in a file cabinet."  Talk about magical thinking!  Denial is forced upon many of us, whether denial is a natural coping mechanism for us or not.

What many adoptees find when they do discover their biological relatives is that the stories they were told don't quite fit with reality.  One commenter who was able to find her original family shares the story that the relinquishing parents had requested pictures and updates but had never received them.

"I do think of my adoptive parents as my parents, and I don't blame them for anything," she writes.  "But they and other adoptive parents would have benefited from a framework of thinking about adoption that was less adoptive parent-focused and more empathetic towards birthparents."

And as another adoptee says, "Bring in any child into your home with love and compassion, but do not strip them of their sense of self or identity."  The adopted child comes into a family with its own DNA and its own genetic predisposition.  As one commenter says, "She is not a Cabbage Patch doll."

For me, the problem with adoption is that for too long, it has been defined by adoption agencies, adoption attorneys and adoptive parents.  Many of those entities promote "magical thinking" in order to sell adoption.  The voices of the original parents and the adoptees themselves have, in many cases, been silenced.  I'll give you an example.  The adoption agency that won't reveal my original father's name to me and that has stood on the sidelines for the past 30 years as adoptees have lobbied for equal rights in New Jersey, does not have one adult adoptee on its board -- just attorneys, hospital executives and social work "experts."

The result of all of this is that many adoptees become angry -- and then determined to change the antiquated laws that certainly don't promote a child's best interest.  I want to make it very clear that I am not angry with my adoptive parents, whom I loved, nor am I angry with the original family I've been prevented from knowing.  I am angry with an unfair system that prevents full-grown adults from knowing their own genetic history for no good reason.

Not one legal document has ever been produced to show that relinquishing parents were promised confidentiality.  Presumably, adoptees always had the right to petition the courts for their records if they could show "good cause."  So how could any surrendering parent have ever expected that she would remain forever unknown to her offspring?  The opposition's arguments are ludicrous, especially given statistics that show the vast majority of relinquishing parents are open to contact.  It would seem that the adoption industry opposes giving full-grown adults the equal treatment under the law to secure their own birth certificates for one reason, so they can continue to promote the "magical thinking" that sells adoption.

I'll save the most potent comment about "magical thinking" for last:


 As an adoptee, I can't begin to tell you how many times I've heard and been told magical things such as "she loved you so much she gave you away" and "you were chosen." Spin, rationalization and magical thinking are quite the trends in adoption.

One could argue that engaging in magical thinking allows adoptive parents to avoid acknowledging the very real, and rather unethical, aspects of the adoption industry. If one believes it is fate or a higher being that brought a child to you, it is much easier to ignore such facts as 1) every single state government falsifies the legally-recognized birth certificates of adoptees so that that adoptive parents are listed as the natural parents; 2) the heavily promoted open adoption agreements are not legally enforceable in any state; and 3) adoption agencies are allowed to charge thousands upon thousands of dollars to transfer a human being from his or her natural family to other people. 

Something tells me that those checks written by adoptive parents while obtaining a child are not made out to "Fate and Destiny." Those checks are written out to a government or private agency in exchange for a human being. As such, the real danger with the magical thinking of adoptive parents is that adoptees are often expected to buy into it. As an adoptee, I can tell you that the healthiest thing for adoptees is to, at the very least, actually be allowed to live an existence grounded in reality--not magical thoughts and fake birth certificates.

Adoptive parents, I know you love your children, just as mine loved me.  For that reason, please join us in the state-by-state efforts to restore adult adoptees' access to their original birth certificates.  When adoptees are treated like second-class citizens, the entire institution of adoption is diminished.   Sealed records are ludicrous, insulting and unnecessary, and they do not serve your children well.

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